Back to Normal
by bionic4ever
Summary: Sus4: Jaime has recovered from the horrors of the last few months, but what's wrong with Steve?
1. Chapter 1

**Back To Normal**

Chapter One

Steve Austin was losing his mind. This was merely his own totally non-clinical diagnosis, of course, but it was the only explanation he could come up with for what was going on in his head. He stood at the kitchen window, watching his wife flit around the backyard, happily filling the bird feeders. No one would ever guess by looking at her that Jaime had survived two horrific attacks within just months of each other, but Steve knew; in fact, that thought never, ever seemed to leave him.

He'd come so close to losing her for good, when Franklin Bailey had tried to gain a warped sense of revenge against Steve for past (imagined) wrongs by taking away the one part of Steve's life that meant more to him than everything else combined: _Jaime_. Bailey had tortured her, hurting her terribly, before he shot her and attempted to bury her alive, right in front of Steve. Jaime had barely recovered from the ordeal when she and Steve were sent on an assignment that had - at the same time - succeeded and gone very, very wrong. They'd both returned to the States battered, bruised and extremely grateful to be alive and together, in each other's arms.

At times he felt an overwhelming need to envelop her in his arms, to hide her away from the world and protect her from further harm or pain. Then there were darker thoughts, the ones that told him to leave her, divorce her, to save her from the danger she was in by simply being his wife. Steve knew that neither impulse was entirely rational, and he could never bring himself to actually _leave_ her, but that knowledge didn't rid him of the unwelcome thoughts or ease his guilt and confusion.

Jaime knew intuitively that something was wrong, and it pained her deeply that he wouldn't talk to her about it. That was why she was filling the seed holders much more quickly than she normally would. Jaime had an appointment to keep.

"I shouldn't be too long," she told Steve, holding him close for a sweet kiss and then smiling directly into his eyes, hoping her love was penetrating the black fog he seemed to be living in.

"Didn't you just see Rudy a few days ago?" he asked.

"Yeah, but you know how he is."

"Is...something wrong?"

Jaime reached up to gently touch his cheek. "Nothing like that - please don't worry. He just wants to talk, you know, to see how we - how **I**'ve been dealing with things. You can come with me, if you want..."

"I'm just gonna take a nap, I think." Steve kissed her once more and reluctantly opened his arms to let her leave.

------

The dreams assaulted him from the second he closed his eyes. _He was digging frantically, all the while knowing with dreadful, sinking certainty, that somewhere beneath him Jaime was - at that very moment - taking her very last breath. In spite of his best efforts, he was too late to save her..._

_------_

"Jaime, always great to see you," Rudy said, smiling and looking her over carefully at the same time. "Lynda told me you were coming in, but she didn't say why. Feeling sick, Honey?"

"No, it's nothing like that. I just...well...Rudy, I need to talk to you," Jaime stammered.

"Ok; let's go back to my office, grab some coffee, and you can tell me all about it." He led her toward a chair in the office with his gentle caring touch, got some coffee for them both and took a chair next to his patient rather than sitting at his desk.

"It's Steve," Jaime told him, staring at the floor. "He's pretending everything's ok, but I see his face when he doesn't know I'm looking, and he's so sad. He's become distant, and I want to help him, but he won't talk about it." Jaime looked up at the kind, old doctor with tears welling in her eyes. "Rudy, I'm losing him."

Rudy placed a box of tissues in front of her and took her hand. "Honey, I don't think that's possible. Steve has loved you, and **only** you, for most of his life. It does sound like depression might be gripping him pretty hard, though. Not surprising, considering everything you've both been through in the last few months."

"Rudy, he's so unlike his normal self. It makes me think about when I was rejecting my bionics; I mean, when my body was. My personality did a 180. Could - could that be happening to Steve?"

"I suppose it's possible, but he's been bionic for years now, without having that problem."

"You told me a serious injury could re-trigger it in me. Could an injury trigger it for the first time? Because the change in him is that extreme."

"Well, why don't you send him in to see me? I'll give him a complete, head-to-toe check up, and we'll see what we find."

Jaime nodded. "Thank you."

------

_Steve was completely paralyzed, frozen in place, and could only watch helplessly as Jaime was brutally thrown about and beaten by unseen hands. She kept rising to her feet, only to be bashed again - and again - until she finally fell to the ground bloodied and broken, and didn't move anymore, ever again._

_------_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Steve?" Jaime was sure he was home, but he was nowhere to be seen. Was he still napping? She headed down the hall to peek in their bedroom, when Steve emerged, looking pale and shaky, from the guest room across the hall. Jaime jumped with a startled little shriek.

"Are you alright?" Steve asked quietly, his arms reaching out to draw her close.

"Yeah. I...was just startled. Were you sleeping in the guest room?"

"I didn't mean to scare you," he said, bypassing her question. "I'm so sorry." He leaned in to give her a soft, careful kiss. "I really missed you today."

Jaime tightened her arms around his waist, melting into him and returning his gentle kiss with one of passion. "How much did you miss me?" she teased, smiling into his eyes. She was relieved to see color returning to his face as his body came to life.

Afterward, they remained contentedly entwined in each other's arms until long after the sun had gone down. They were mostly silent, having just said everything they needed to say and feeling blissfully happy just to be together. Then Jaime suddenly sat up.

"I still have to make dinner!"

"I'm not hungry," Steve told her, pulling her back down beside him. His need to be close to her was all consuming and besides, he knew they could always order pizza later.

Later, as they lingered over the last of the wine and the decimated remains of a large pepperoni pizza, Jaime knew she had to tell Steve about his appointment. She knew he wouldn't be happy about it, though, and she hated to spoil the glow of the evening. Steve helped her a bit by bringing up the subject himself.

"You never told me how your appointment was," he probed. "Everything check out ok?"

"Yeah."

"You're not...sick, or anything, are you?"

"No; Rudy just likes to practice pre-emptive medicine - you know that. In fact, he wants you to come in tomorrow so you can have the full treatment, too."

"I'm fine," Steve protested. "There's really no need -"

"I know. I'm fine, too, but you know how Rudy is. Besides, you haven't been in to see him since we got out of the hospital."

"Haven't needed to. Still don't."

"Will you go anyway, please?"

"Jaime -"

"For me?"

Steve sighed. "That's not playing fair. You know I'd do anything in the world for you."

"So, you'll go, then?"

"For you, yes."

------

Steve wasn't feeling quite as agreeable the next morning. "This is silly. I feel fine."

"He's expecting you, Honey," Jaime said in a firm but gentle voice.

"I hate to leave you here by yourself..."

"I'm a big girl; you know I can take care of myself. It's not like you're leaving for days."

_You were snatched from this very house, Jaime, _Steve thought to himself. _I was only gone a few hours that time, too. _"Do me a favor and stay inside, ok?" he requested, caressing her face and hair as if memorizing every detail in case he never saw her again.

"It's so beautiful outside today," she replied. "I thought maybe I'd work in the garden -"

"Can you wait 'til I get home?"

Jaime searched his face, puzzled, certain now that something was wrong - something Steve couldn't yet put into words. She hoped Rudy might be able to get to the root of it.

------

Rudy welcomed Steve as he'd welcomed Jaime the previous day: with a warm smile and hot coffee. After Lynda drew the required blood samples and wrote down every vital sign he had, Steve joined the doctor in his office for a talk.

"So, what's the occasion, Doc?" Steve asked, much more casually than he actually felt.

"You and Jaime both went through some pretty rough stuff the last few months -"

"Jaime's ok, isn't she?" Steve asked quickly.

Rudy smiled reassuringly. "She's just fine. I wanted to see each of you to check on how you've recovered so far, to make sure there are no after-effects to your bodies or your psyches."

"Probably a good idea," Steve agreed. "She seems ok to me, I mean, no nightmares or flashbacks, no irrational fears that I can see."

"What about you?" Rudy asked, noting that Steve had conveniently glossed right over his own thoughts and feelings, focusing instead on his wife.

"What about me?"

"Are you sleeping ok? Appetite good?"

"No problems, Doc - honest."

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. You know, sometimes things can crop up weeks or even months after a traumatic incident. Might not even seem connected to what you went through. If you or Jaime had any problems of that sort, I hope you both will feel free to come in and talk to me about it at any time. You know, that's what I'm here for."

"Thanks, Rudy. I'll make sure Jaime knows that, too."

Rudy watched his patient leave, then shook his head in frustration. Jaime was right; something was definitely going on with her husband. He couldn't put his finger on it exactly, but he'd never known Steve to be so rigid, or so closed off, emotionally. The doctor knew these things needed to be identified and dealt with, or they would build and escalate until the pressure became too much to handle. The resulting explosion could potentially lead to disaster.

------


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Jaime was in the woods behind the house, weeding the flower bed she'd planted beneath 'their' tree, when Steve came home. She looked up, alarmed, when she heard their back door slamming against the side of the house as Steve ran outside, frantically calling her name. Had the check-up gone badly? Moving with bionic speed, she joined him in the backyard, gasping involuntarily as Steve swept her into his arms, clinging tightly as if she were the last life vest on a sinking ship.

"Sweetheart, are you ok?" he asked, dangerously close to true panic. "When you weren't in the house, I thought..."

Jaime was frightened by the way his body was trembling, but she didn't want to add to his already upset state of mind with a strong reaction. "How'd it go today? Your appointment, I mean."

"Oh, that? It was...fine. Don't ever scare me like that again, please?"

Jaime frowned. "I'm sorry; I was barely out of our own backyard."

"I couldn't find you. You...were...gone." He touched her with quivering hands. "Don't leave me like that anymore, Sweetheart - promise?"

Jaime, who'd faced down terrorist cells, armies of antagonists and an evil Air Force General bent on destroying her, was suddenly more frightened than she'd ever been before.

Although they'd gone to sleep that night in the same bed, just as they always did, the next morning, Jaime found her husband once again sleeping in the guest room. He seemed peaceful and like he was slumbering deeply, so she decided not to disturb him. She made a pot of coffee and left a note saying she wouldn't be gone long.

She found that Rudy had beat her to Oscar's office, and was (not-so-coincidentally) there for the same reason. "I'm really worried about him," Jaime told the two men, her eyes filling with tears. "Was there anything in his tests...?" she asked Rudy.

"One hundred percent normal," the doctor confirmed.

"For once, I was actually hoping you'd find something," she admitted guiltily. She and Rudy spent the next ten or fifteen minutes filling Oscar in on the events of the last few days.

Oscar listened thoughtfully, with growing concern. Steve and Jaime were like the family he never got to have, and his family was clearly in big trouble. "How about if I call him, take him out for a drink? Maybe he'd talk to me..." Oscar suggested.

Everyone agreed that was a good idea, but Oscar never got the chance to pick up the phone. His office door flew open, and Steve, in full-panic mode, flew in. "Oscar, Jaime's gone!" he exclaimed, for the moment not seeing her sitting right in front of him. "She left a note, but I'm sure she was forced -"

"Steve..." Jaime stood up, directly in front of her husband, her eyes asking the questions she was afraid to voice out loud.

"Oh. You - you're here?" Steve hugged her close, clinging again, as though she'd be gone forever if he didn't keep a tight enough grip.

"Steve, I needed to check a few things out with Jaime," Rudy said somewhat warily. "Why don't you wait here, and we'll both be back in a little while?"

Steve nodded and sank into a chair.

Oscar looked at his friend from across the desk, his eyes filled with compassion. "Pal, what's going on? Why are you really here?"

"I woke up, and she was gone. It...scared me."

"Steve, the truth...?"

Steve lowered his head in fear and shame. "Oscar, I - I'm thinking about leaving Jaime."

"Excuse me?" _That_ was the last thing Oscar had ever expected to hear from Steve's lips.

"I'm no good for her; all I do is put her in danger," Steve said with deep sadness both in his voice and all over his face.

"You know that isn't true -"

"Bailey hurt her so badly; she nearly died..."

"But she didn't, Pal, and that was because you got to them in time."

"She'd never have been in the situation at all if it weren't for me. My God - he tried to bury her alive!"

"Steve, you're the only one on the planet who could've put the pieces together and found them in time. You saved her life!"

"Her life wouldn't have needed saving, if it weren't for me. Bailey wanted to hurt **_me_**."

"Do you really think leaving Jaime would keep her from ever being in danger?"

"Of course not, but it would help an awful lot." Steve stifled the tear that was threatening to pearl down his cheek, but not before his boss and friend noticed and suddenly understood.

"You don't always have to be the strong one, you know," Oscar said, very quietly. "You've been through so much, Pal. Needing help to deal with it isn't anything to be ashamed of. Knowing when to accept that help is the strongest move of all. Jaime's your whole life - I know she's the only woman you've ever loved. You don't _really_ want to leave her. Do you?"

Steve shook his head miserably. "But I...I can't keep her safe. She deserves at least that much."

"She deserves a man who loves her whole-heartedly, and that's you. Steve, you've got to trust me here: leaving Jaime would be the worst move in the world, for both of you. You've both been through some terribly traumatic incidents, and the only way to get through it is to lean on each other, support each other. If you try to put aside your own pain for her sake, it'll just grow and fester inside of you -"

"It already has. I just don't know how to get past this."

Oscar came around the desk to give his friend a warm pat on the back. "Well, Pal, you just took the first step, and it was a giant leap."

------


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Progress came slowly, sometimes with deep frustration, as the patient was willing but extremely resistant at the same time. Steve had always believed psychiatrists and counselors to be a great boon to society - for other people. He attended the first few sessions only under protest, with great amounts of emotional kicking and screaming. He gradually came to realize that accepting help was the strongest move he could make, but his resistence level was nearly as powerful as his determination to get back to normal, for his own sake, as well as for Jaime's.

Doctor Allison Taylor patiently escorted Steve through the darkest recesses of his mind, knowing that his greatest challenge was still ahead of him, and that day came all too soon. Oscar had an assignment for Jaime. Treading very cautiously, he visited her (and her husband) at their home, rather than calling Jaime down to the office.

Jaime made coffee while the two most important men in her life got comfortable in the den. She knew without asking why Oscar had come, but she let him say it gradually, knowing how hard it would be for Steve to hear and accept.

It was relatively quick and simple, at least compared to most OSI assignments: go in undetected, crack a safe, and get out safely - home the same day. Jaime had performed similar tasks dozens of times in the past, but Steve would simply not have it; not **_his _**wife - not today, not ever.

"Send me, instead, Oscar," he insisted.

"Safes are Jaime's specialty," their boss pointed out. "With her ear -"

"I don't care. I won't let her do it! I can just tear it open, no problem."

Jaime moved to sit on the arm of his easy chair, wrapping an arm tenderly around his shoulders and kissing his cheek. "I'll be back by dinnertime," she said softly but firmly, just as Doctor Taylor had instructed. She and Oscar headed for the door, with Allison slipping in at the same time as they were slipping out.

"Hi, Steve," the counselor said in a quiet, calm voice.

"I...I have to stop her!" Steve said, starting for the door.

"No," Allison told him, "you have to let her go."

------

Jaime sat quietly in Oscar's office, biding the hours until she could return home again. "I feel awful, lying to him like this," she told Oscar and Rudy. "Oscar, did you see his face when you told him you were sending me out?"

Rudy leaned forward in his chair and took her hand. "Think of it like weight training, Honey. We're gradually building up Steve's inner strength and resistance."

"I know. It just felt so...cruel."

"Allison Taylor's the best," Oscar noted. "I trust her completely."

"Besides, Honey," Rudy continued, he's got to get a little stronger to be able to take the **_real_** news you've got for him."

------

"Steve, what troubles you most about Jaime going back to work?" Allison probed gently.

"I - I can't protect her. She's out there all alone..."

"Do you doubt her capabilities?"

"Of course not. She's the best. After all, she learned from me. But..."

"What is it?"

"I...don't know," Steve conceded, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

"How long have you felt this way, like you were just about to lose her? Did General Bailey and what he did get it all started?"

"No. Maybe. I'm not sure. But I should've seen it coming, should've been there to protect her. Jaime nearly died because of me."

"You're the one who saved her, as well," Allison said pointedly.

"But it didn't start then. I - I've been having nightmares, ever since we got home from the Paradise assignment."

"Is that why you've been sleeping in the guest room?"

"Jaime told you that?"

"She'd do anything in the world to help you, you know."

"Well, I don't think that's connected. Sometimes, even though it's a different bed in there now, when I walk in our bedroom I see the blood that Claudia splashed all over the bed, and it brings up all the other feelings, and...I don't know, I guess I feel...helpless."

"So it's your bedroom triggering these feelings in you?"

"Sometimes. But other times, I'll walk out into the backyard and all of a sudden just wanna vomit, when I walk over the place where Rudy shot Claudia..."

The picture crystallized in Doctor Taylor's mind, but she let her patient continue, knowing he had more to say.

"What I don't understand is, all these images that are bothering me are from what Franklin Bailey did, and what Claudia did, working with Bailey. So why did they only surface when we came home from the last assignment?"

"You saw Jaime being attacked again, so soon after she'd recovered from the run-in with Bailey, and it was more than your conscious - or subconscious - mind could stand."

Steve nodded. He, too, finally understood.

------


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue

"Close your eyes!" Jaime said happily, as the car neared its stopping point. They had just returned from a much-needed and well-deserved vacation, and although Steve knew they were approaching the new home he and Jaime had picked out together, Jaime was eager to show him what she'd had done to the house while they were gone, and was absolutely chomping at the bit to share news that he was finally ready to hear.

"They're already closed," he told her, laughing. "They've been closed for three blocks now, since the first time you told me to close 'em."

"C'mon!" Jaime urged, leading him up the front walk. She stopped directly in front of the porch. "Ok - open!"

Steve opened his eyes and smiled with his whole face when he saw the trunk of 'their' tree, now standing as a guidepost at the bottom of the steps. Their names, their wedding date and the words "We won!", carved in the wood right after the Bailey incident, would greet them every time they returned _home_.

"There's more! Close 'em again!" she told him, as excited as a small child on a first trip to Disneyland. She took her husband's hand and led him inside, past the living room, dining room and kitchen and down the hall. When they were past the master bedroom and the two guest rooms, she stopped, gently prodding him into the small room at the very end of the hall.

Steve stepped inside. "Can I look now?"

"Check it out!" she said excitedly.

It took a few moments for things to sink in. He looked around a room painted in pastel yellows and greens, with cartoon characters at the borders. Off to one side...a crib.

"Jaime?"

"It's a nursery!" she exclaimed, grinning and nearly bouncing with joy.

"A...nursery?"

Jaime stood on tiptoes and kissed him. "Yep. Welcome home, Daddy!"

END


End file.
